oh the elusive aunt jenna

i think it’s safe to say my past is coming back to haunt me…

I’m aware that I was once on a dance team, that defined my life for a very long time. I’m aware I was once in a sorority. One that I ran and altered with pride.

I’m aware that I once was ‘loose in the morals’ and found a new set by way of love. You see, loving someone, when one doesn’t fully know themselves, makes a person love the parts of themself, they never knew existed. And once they become aware of these aspects, surely they will need an adjustment here. or there. But in loving someone else, and there isn’t enough room in a person’s heart to make changes to themself.

but there must be. I must do so. it’s imperative. And in loving lil miss ellie, I’m finding I can discover things about myself, through loving her. And we help each other. And grow together. And we grow apart as well

We both know this. She does not speak in full sentences yet, but she knows. She sees. She’s aware when a good cry will bring everyone around. everyone except for me.

We can hug, and cuddle. and laugh. and giggle. but most of all, we learn. We learn about ourselves and the world around us. We learn about each other, and the details of the universe. We learn about people. And we learn about love

And we learn how to love without always being near. We cannot always be near to one another. But we can always love one another.

And when we are near. We learn how to make the most of our time shared. Age old lessons that may need to be relearned. But, just maybe, this shared knowledge is already on it’s way to becoming wisdom….

rdargnaere

or. rearranged for those of you who are not of the dyslexia

the disks are slipped. the time has changed. everything around me is rearranged

i feel the same. i know i am. but there is something inside me that has turned around. it’s great. it’s grand. it’s wonderful, indeed. but i just can’t shake this feeling that the hole still gapes. i’m looking for an outlet. something that will help me find. the part of me, inside me. that once was mine

this rhyming is shitty. i fucking hate it all. i hate every last bit. of the natural beats that have formed in the free flowing writing. iambic pentameter my ass. 

or maybe not. maybe that is just it. the rhythem [i just cant figure out how this is spelled…for the life of me] stays the same. but the words will change

so i go forth. to change my words. and keep the heart rate, static and moving. because once it stops. i’m gone from here/ and i don’t plan on stopping anytime soon

so yeaaa

this one is a toughie

in-dec- indeci- indecicive

Arghh

She’s screaming. Screaming so loudly no one can even hear her. except for the dogs, that is. The dogs can always hear her.

She cannot take it anymore! Why do things turn out they way that they do?! Why must life be sooooooooo hard to live. ohhhhhhh the humanity!

oh the drama! Oh the glorious joy!

The desire for her to snap her fingers. and Boom. Everything is just the way she wants them. Everyone becomes just the people she wills them to be. The people in her life. The way she best sees it.

Oh to snap. And have it all line up.

Maybe if she just closes her eyes. It will all come together. Just maybe.

celebrate yourself

This weekend we celebrate our independence from Great Britian. A country we still have exorbitant ties to…horrah for us! Way to be independent!

This weekend, the group celebrates the birth of mister Scotty. I refer to Scotty as the youngest member of the clan, even if there are a handful of chiquedees that are his junior…

He has always been the “oh scotty” kinda kiddo. And now he is legitimzing himself…with one last night of sheer debotchery. What will happen? Oh, that I cannot answer. Anything goes when we’re all together. actually, everything goes when we’re all together.

and it’s a sort of exaggerated sigh that I need. It’s exactly what I need. My body has been tense and tightened and needing the kind of release only a day of families can bring out. Both families that I barely see. The ones that I don’t spend every waking moment with. The ones that bring out a positive energetic side of myself.

my hearts

And scotty drums the beat to it all.

So today, while you’re celebrating your own life. And your freedom, and your independence. Celebrate yourself. And everyone around you. Celebrate me, celebrating you. And all that brings you relief. And most importantly, joy.

taking a long time~

I’m taking a long time to get a lot of things done

If I’m going to live to my 120s. I guess the long time is quite alright. And totally legit. But you know, a girl gets bored. and things need to happen more quickly. and promply and. and. and.

I’m taking more time to do everything that needs to be done. I’m being patient with the rest of the world. and allowing them to grow as well. Alright, not alllllllll the time.

but fuck man. often. Often, indeed.

Blocking the writer

She speaks of writers block. This is an interesting sentiment. What exactly…she knows.
It’s that place. That time. The one that she’s pondering constantly.
Is this the nature of my writing? Is this what I do?
Surely not. She’s believing those words. Those faithful words. Of sureeeeely not. Surely, not?
Of course not!
And so she exclaims from under her breath. The world is just too much with us, late. And soon.
The whisper is being heard. From afar. A near. A stranger. A glimmer of hope.
Foolishness is weary in a sceario such as this.
Foolishness is weary, indeed. He replies.

By golly. Gee wizz. He’s speaking, indeed.
Indeed? Again. Oy mother, she’s laughing. Oy mother, I fear.
But alas, the mother is near. Coaxing and calming and suring herself away. Sure sure, sure suree.. whatever it is you need to believe. Whatever it is, you need to say. You speak, you laugh. You ponder. And you cry.

But in due time, my love. Your story will unfold. And laugher will commence. And you shall bathe in the bounty. With the lover, and the friend. And he, who shall be brought, upon thee and only thyself.

A little brit for those who may need it. A little love for those who share. And a moon, to you. My dear, dear friends.

that venn diagram needs to start closing.

parts of herself are plucking away. one by one.

slowly and carefully, molting away. But this one, she’s thinking, is quite playful. quite enjoyable. Perhaps, this one, is radiating from her central corridor.

Ah yes. it must be. She’s understanding it all. So clearly, so crisply. The banding of the elipses…gradually slipping themselves snugly, into one. another.

So it is! She’s exclaiming, again. And perishes with a laugh. Fore everyone knows.